Moments
by Smudge the rat
Summary: In my fic Secrets, Laura mentioned the joint mission where Rodney is attacked by pigeons, so I couldn't resist turning it into a drabble. Second and third drabble now added. I'm going to turn this into a drumping ground for funny team moments.
1. Birds

**A/N: **I put Cadman on Lorne's team because I'm not-so-secretly in love with her, Parrish is there because he's a chirpy little camper and I invented Sergeant Other to be the fourth team member. He is intended to be a completely one-dimensional character. I'll probably end up turning this into a series of drabbles set offworld, but I'll only write them as I think of them - no regular updates. **Disclaimer** - I don't own, and **feedback** is adored although** flamers** will be given to Rodney as mid-morning snacks.

* * *

"Shoot them, shoot them, they're pooping on me!"

Flailing and spinning and shrieking like a madman doing a crazy dance, Rodney McKay was panicking as usual. Lorne and Sheppard stood off to one side, shaking with silent laughter, ready to step in if the situation became serious, while Parrish was way too absorbed in the tree he was studying to even notice the situation.

"Rodney, remain still and try not to agitate the birds further," Teyla advised calmly. "They are more afraid of you than you are of them."

"Try telling them that!" Rodney yelped, sneezing loudly as a feather went up his nose. Jeez, was the man allergic to everything?

Suppressing her laughter, Cadman decided that it was up to her to save Rodney from the pigeon things. She had no idea what had attracted them, but within minutes of entering the forest the scientist had become surrounded by a swarm of shrill purple birds.

Aiming her gun upwards so as not to hurt any of the damn things (she didn't want angry natives trying to burn her at the stake again), Cadman fired a round into the air, hoping to scare them off.

"They're still attacking!" Rodney shrieked, stating the obvious as usual. If anything, the loud noise had served to further agitate the birds.

"OK, time to fire at the birds," Sheppard ordered, picking up his P-90. He'd obviously realised that Rodney was going to hyperventilate if he didn't do something. Lorne followed suit, aiming his own gun and shooting at least half a dozen of the purple pigeons before Teyla started shouting at them to stop.

"They are harmless!" she admonished. "You are slaughtering helpless animals!"

"Helpless my ass!" Rodney shouted, scrabbling at his holster for his own handgun. Ignoring Teyla's protests he emptied his entire clip, completely failing to hit a single bird. By this time he was the only one firing, as Sheppard and Lorne feared Teyla's wrath more than they would regret losing Rodney and Cadman felt sorry for the poor birds.

Teyla reached into the chaos that surrounded Rodney and snatched his gun away, but before she could tell him off they all heard a high pitched whistle and turned to see Ronon and Sergeant Other coming through the trees behind them. Sheppard had sent them to the 'jumper for supplies a few minutes before the pigeons attacked.

To everyone's surprise, the pigeons stopped mobbing Rodney and flew en masse towards Ronon and Other. The Sergeant backed away from the Satedan, who was making the whistling noise and started edging towards the rest of the group, reluctant to get himself involved in whatever crazy scheme Ronon was up to.

However, when the pigeons reached the Satedan, they made no move to attack. Instead, they started settling on him as if coming to roost on a fence, wings and heads tucked into their bodies. Ronon spread out his arms to offer more surface to land on until he was completely covered in purple pigeons.

"Cool," Sheppard grinned, going to check that Rodney was alright and stopping several feet away when he realised that the scientist was covered in poop. Tentatively reaching out to the only clean patch of shoulder, he patted Rodney reassuringly.

"Very funny, Colonel," Rodney scowled at the grin on Sheppard's face.

"Where'd you learn to do that?" Cadman asked as she gently stroked the head of a sleeping bird on the end of Ronon's hand. The feathers were soft and fluffy like a duckling's.

"Spent a lot of time in the wild," Ronon replied with a shrug gentle enough not to disturb his new friends. "I listened. Then I practiced until I sounded just like them."

"Great. You're Doctor Dolittle," Rodney huffed. "Can we go home now so I can get a change of clothes?"

"Why does he think I'm a doctor?" Ronon whispered to Teyla as they followed a furious McKay back through the forest towards the 'jumper, the Satedan walking with outstretched arms, still covered in a layer of pigeons.

The Athosian shrugged. "Perhaps one of the birds hit him too hard on the head."

Behind them, Lorne snickered quietly to himself and sped up to walk alongside Sheppard.


	2. A Rainbow Of Colours

Rodney tried to suppress a yawn as he glanced around, making sure he wasn't the only one who was bored out of his mind. It wasn't that he was ungrateful for a mission where running for his life or being taken hostage weren't requirements, but he could be doing so many more productive things right now. Like catching up with the latest series of Doctor Who, which Zelenka had brought back from Earth on DVD.

Teyla was speaking with the native leaders, negotiating a trade agreement with a serious expression on her face. Sheppard was feigning interest by nodding at all the important bits (and some of the less important bits when he wasn't paying attention). At least Ronon looked as bored as Rodney did, cleaning out the dirt under his fingernails with a knife he'd produced from one of his many hiding places, which, in Rodney's opinion, was a pretty dangerous way of keeping them clean. He wished he was cool enough to do stuff like that. Knowing his luck, he'd probably cut his finger if he tried.

Sighing quietly and wondering how long it was until lunch, Rodney looked down and studied the ground for the third or fourth time. His bare feet stuck out from the end of the scratchy robe they'd given him (and no amount of complaining had convinced John to let him off wearing it). They were white and pasty against the dusty brown dirt and when he compared them to Teyla's elegant toes they made him feel like a troll. A big, ugly troll in a robe with wide, square feet and uneven toenails.

Oh God, he was so bored he'd started examining everyone else's feet. Ronon's were just as big as the rest of him and hairy, like a hobbit's. Teyla must be an elf or a fairy or something equally dainty and petite with her neatly manicured toenails and beautifully curved feet.

And that made Sheppard... Rodney glanced over at the Colonel's feet and frowned. Sheppard must have noticed him looking because he swung his head lazily in Rodney's direction, saw where Rodney was looking and shrugged sheepishly.

John's feet were long and almost as pale as Rodney's, although not as chubby and his veins stood out more. But that wasn't what made Rodney smirk in amusement and make a mental note to ask him about it later.

All ten of his toenails were painted a different colour and, lined up as they were with his feet together, they put Rodney in mind of a rainbow - red on one end followed by pink and orange and yellow and a multitude of different greens and blues, ending in a light violet and dark purple at the other end. Rodney couldn't imagine him sitting in his quarters with his hair in curlers, meticulously applying ten different nail varnishes to his toes, so there must be a more interesting reason.

He wished he had a camera. Sheppard was going to regret having prettier toes than him.


	3. Miko's Harem

**A/N: **Someone on LJ told me that Miko needs a harem. So... um...

* * *

Rodney took one look at the completely blackened bread and tossed it back down onto the table. Ronon was staring at his speculatively, as if waiting for it to grow legs and walk off. As soon as he was satisfied that it had not yet developed sentience, he picked it up and took a bite. To his credit, he had spent seven years living off whatever he could catch, which, more often than not, was Wraith. Burnt bread was probably a delicacy to him, but to a scientist with hypoglycaemia who was used to eating pretty much constantly back on Atlantis, it just wasn't good enough.

It was time to complain.

"This is so unfair," he began, warming up for the rant that was to come. "Why am I sat over here on the peasant's table while my minion over there gets her own fucking _harem_?" he glared at Miko, who seemed oblivious to his tirade. "I'm at least ten times smarter than her, I don't flinch every time someone asks me a question, I don't burst into tears when someone criticises my work, not that anyone would ever have a reason to do that… where was I?"

Sheppard pushed his chair back far enough that he could rest his feet on the table. "You were listing Dr Kusanagi's faults."

Snapping his fingers, Rodney nodded and tried to slide back into his previous train of thought. "Right. She was lucky enough to be gifted with the ATA gene naturally, but she's scared to use it for anything more than opening doors. I thought Carson was bad, but at least when I bully _him_, Radek doesn't give me the cold shoulder for two days. She follows me around constantly, like a little Japanese dog. She never-"

Leaning over to place a calming hand on Rodney's arm, Teyla gave him what appeared, on the surface, to be a serene smile. With eyes that promised stick-beatings if he didn't do what she said. "Rodney. Miko has been given the power to have us all thrown into prison. Perhaps it would be wise to stop insulting her."

He noticed that neither she nor Col. Sheppard had touched their bread either. On the other end of the courtyard, a teenage boy dressed in nothing more than a glorified loincloth finished peeling a grape and held it up to Miko in offering. Behind her, two more boys waved huge paper fans to cool her (Rodney's hair was plastered to his scalp with sweat) and seven dancing girls in paper-thin outfits that looked like they could blow away any second twirled around her, the bells on their wrists and ankles jingling annoyingly with every synchronised step. All of the teenagers had impossibly perfect skin and teeth and their hair was the exact same shade of reddish-brown that shone in the sunlight.

Rodney waved a hand dismissively. "Relax, she's too far away to hear me. And besides, this is Miko we're talking about. Everyone knows she worships the ground I walk on."

"Maybe now someone's treating her nicely she'll come to her senses," Ronon said with a mouthful of bread. He'd finished his own meagre portion and had snagged John's. "If I were her I'd have you tortured." He swallowed heavily, forcing the bread down with his throat muscles, and grinned toothily. "In public."

"Fortunately, not everyone is a mindless barbarian," Rodney shot back, stomach churning uneasily at the sight of Ronon eating with his mouth open.

Sheppard bent forward to take his boots and socks off and settled back down again. The bastard looked like he was actually _enjoying_ himself in this disgusting heat, surrounded by disgusting peasants while Miko sat in the lap of luxury a hundred metres away. "You're just jealous coz they picked Dr Kusanagi to be their God and not you," he drawled, lazily swatting at a fly that buzzed around his gravity-defying hair.

"What? Jealous? I am not-" Rodney could feel himself turning bright red, and it wasn't just because of the heat. "It's not my fault these people equate long, dark hair and glasses with omniscience. I'm just glad Kavanagh isn't here – if those boys started kissing his feet like that he'd probably have a heart attack."

"Maybe we should've brought him," Sheppard mused, linking his hands behind his head. "Could've passed it off as an accident…"

"Yes, very amusing Colonel," Rodney snapped. "Can we please stay on track here? We're trying to figure out a way to get Miko away from those dancing freaks so that we can take her home and I can tease her about this forever."

Sheppard raised an eyebrow. "We were?"

"What if she does not wish to be removed?" Teyla asked. She watched as the prettiest of the dancing girls climbed into Miko's lap and started braiding her hair, flirting with her all the while. Rodney wasn't sure, but he thought he detected a hint of jealousy in the Athosian. Miko certainly seemed to be enjoying the attention, if her laughter and the blush that coloured her cheeks were anything to go buy.

"Oh." Rodney found himself staring as the copper haired girl kissed Miko's cheek and jumped up to join in the dance once more. "Good… um, that's a good point." His gaze followed the dancing girl as she gathered her friends around her in a circle and walked forward to take Miko's hand and pull her out of her throne. "Hey, hey wait… where are they taking her?"

Miko was led into the castle that the courtyard belonged to, surrounded by dancing girls. The teenage boys who had been serving her followed at a short distance behind, carrying bowls of fruit and cakes. When the last of the procession had disappeared into the castle, a curtain was pulled shut behind them and five tough looking guards, each carrying a staff in their hands and two swords crossed behind their backs, stationed themselves around the entryway. The rest of the people assembled in the courtyard (commoners down at Rodney's end and nobles further up, nearer where Miko had been seated) began clapping and cheering. A few hats were thrown ceremoniously into the air and there was a scramble amongst the peasants to catch the hats thrown by the nobles.

"Are we… missing something here?" Sheppard wondered, sitting up in his seat and finally paying attention.

Ronon finished off the last of Teyla's bread and grabbed Rodney's with a shrug. "Probably gonna have an orgy or something," he said as if it was the most natural thing in the world. To him it probably was, Rodney thought cynically.

Sheppard shifted his eyes from Ronon to the guarded entryway and back again. "Uh… d'ya think we should… go save her? Or something?"

"She'll be fine," Ronon said, looking at him as if to wonder why she wouldn't.

"It is an honour to be granted the services of the harem," Teyla added wistfully.

"Um… OK then." Sheppard settled back down into his chair, bare feet gravitating back towards the table.

"What?" Rodney stood up, knocking his chair over. "We're just going to leave her to her fate?"

"Sit down, Rodney," John said, grabbing his arm and forcing him back down. "We'll go find her in the morning and take her back to Atlantis."

"But-"

"Let her enjoy herself for once," Ronon cut in, shooting Rodney a glare. The scientist crossed his arms and settled down for a good, drawn-out sulk, letting his mind imagine what Miko was doing right now as how it could have been him in her place.

When they got back to Atlantis, he was so gonna send her to inspect the sewage tanks. Kavanagh would be delighted to have some company.


End file.
